Extract from "The Weight of Grace"
Intro Section
“It’s because of you, all because of you!” I said to my husband, almost with a hint of resentment, but mostly in awe.
He watches me with concern and a questioning look on his face.
"Every part of it, every reason to stay, any reason to stay, all the reasons to live, are all because of you. Today, I realise that there is nothing else, no one else who could stop me. Only you.”
At the age of fifty-four, I was trying to articulate a feeling, an emotion that I had never fully understood. In that moment, I realised that suicidal thoughts are not confined to depression or a moment in time. They can be a lifelong battle as the emotions and triggers linger, return, and evolve. This was new to me.
My poor husband, absorbing the storm within me, supported me with much silence and some words of comfort.
“Well, it may be because you feel let down by so many and on multiple occasions throughout life. But then nobody else knows how you feel. They likely don’t realise or understand what you are going through. It might be unimaginable to others.”
It must be a heavy burden – to love someone who feels the way I do, I think to myself.
In any case, I felt blessed but burdened. Yet here I am. I so desperately wanted out of this world, in some sick way, I wanted out so much that I wished I could take him with me.
"They tried to shame me into silence. Instead, I wrote the truth. This isn't a book. It's my pulse, printed."
Inaya
Extract from "15 Hours"
Within "Weight of Grace"
I woke the next morning, unsurprised by the persistent darkness clouding my mind, a familiar weight that seemed inescapable.
At some point in the afternoon, I thought about my brother, who had shut me down. I was thinking about how he used to review my school assignments before I could submit them.
I recall when my husband assisted me with my academic book years ago; his reactions often reminded me of my brother. They are both excellent with the English language. Their vocabulary is vast, and I am far behind in that way.
I tried to get on with the day, carrying a burden inside me, feeling like my existence was pointless.
Suddenly, a message appears from my brother:
“Just read it – I can’t believe you wrote that! It is so well written. You have a skill, and you must write.”
I went into shock. Now I needed a moment to combine that mega compliment into my sad existence.
I told my husband, and although reaching for my high again, I am wary, I am careful. Now I know. I have experienced the highest high and the lowest low in a period of just fifteen hours.
Had it not been for my husband, my brother might not have had the opportunity to share his thoughts with me.
Imagine, just imagine, my brother may have read my chapters, not knowing I had already gone, given up, all for not being able to share them.
Yet, with that little amount of time, fifteen hours, here I am, ready for my high again.
I decided I am going to get this done, regardless.
So here I am, under a pen name, ready to go, hoping that I may save just one person from darkness and despair. My reason: This experience could save someone’s life. Do I need any other reason?
I was disowned in whispers, blamed in silence, and erased in groups.
My name became the family's secret. A ghost in the family tree.
Inaya
Gas-2-Light - Coming Soon!
📘 Gas-2-Light is based on true events, anonymised for safety and impact, and written by Amelia Khan, a Master NLP Practitioner and a fierce advocate of healing through truth.
More than a book — Gas-2-Light is a mirror, a movement, and a manual for those who want to rise without revenge, survive without silence, and transform pain into purpose.
Coming soon to all major platforms.
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